He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
