bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
