i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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