Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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