im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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