Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
