ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
