So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
