Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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