fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
