What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
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oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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