i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
