who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
