Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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