I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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