Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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