Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If I die, sorry about rent.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
