I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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