This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
