I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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