anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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