things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
even my farts smell like vagina
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
