turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 ðŸžðŸ·
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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