I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
