I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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