It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
