o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
