I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
