as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
