oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
