To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
