Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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