apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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