FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize