mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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