Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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