I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
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