sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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