fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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