walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
