I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
