is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
