the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
