I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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