remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
