Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
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I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
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I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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