Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
