I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
