Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
