Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
