Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I am naked and annoyed.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
