Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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