i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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