I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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