Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
