I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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