wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
