Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
