Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
