So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
